Promises Kept

I was thrilled that I could leave this place that had hounded me from sleeps with jabs of needles to study what was in me. All I had was a surgery to remove my tailbone so what was all the Fuss all about. So naturally from these people doing all this, I thought I was bleeding out my butt and they were just confirming how much I was losing by their own requests of so many Viles of blood needed daily. I would get worried when they would come in and ask me.. “Sir, its That time of the day we have to do this.” I would wake in fear of Mosquito bites after that in my sleep. I asked for a net but they laughed at me.  The food is not going to be missed at all by any means. It gave me so much Gas I was wondering of new ways to save it to cook with. Or if my room smelled funny and thats why they came in to mop it to smell like Alcohol. With all my trips to the Bathroom. That made me wonder why there was Always a new roll TP. I used it a few tiumes but it was Always New! I know that I didnt hear very many flushes except to hear the guys peeing. That made me realize that No one would use the bathroom with all the Gas that was emitted from that food ingested from this place there. I kept going back to peoples comments about certain foods disappearing in the mouth like those rice cakes i could chew on and would not get filled up. Then I started thinking why my little girl would tell me she was always hungry after eating with me.

After getting out there are things that stick in your head from things that have happened to you and what is taught by the actual witnessing of such things of bad foods. The bad Gas was one that I had thought of all the time. It was always there when I ate 3 times a day. So,  Slowly but surely, I could see the actual freedom of things that we have each day given or us taking into our bodies ourselves. Then my brain Clicked! I saw if we did exactly as they did to us. I saw also the savings in money and those things that pollute the air that we contribute towards in what we do. They had given me those Foods that were like the “cheap rice cake foods” and Gas was the end result.
This kind of Freedom thinking was an easy to see being in a hospital and they in turn taught me what to do and not to do.
Well first thing on my list of “ToDo’s” I went straight down to the nearest McDonald’s and watched people eat that food. Mind you I didn’t order anything.. just sat there with my little girl. She didn’t say anything, but she knew I was up to something. She was about to ask for a drink when some lady and her kids dropped all their drinks from one tray with a loud Splash and Crack. As she looked at that… she then stopped short of asking me for a drink.
We left that place for a nice Soup & Salad. We smiled as we ate.. Knowing we have Freedom to be healthy or eat to pollute the world.
Maybe one day this Freedom of things will catch on. Buy a Gas Mask just in case the government may sell that kind of food to us all in order to survive after all our resources are gone..

Freedom Saves

There has always been thoughts of my wife looking at me when doing something like disapproving of the women I had been speaking to when Just saying a few words being friendly. Then there was… “Remembering Dates!”

These ideas come Especially when my little girl is with me in every place I have to go. She would look at me funny if I spoke to some women or acted like I was flirting. I would get a look out of my little girls eyes. While the stare was intent into her eyes, memories of my wife came back to me about. “things in life… and being so married to me” followed with other words forgotten in whispering sounds came back to me. My little girl would come to me grabbing my hand or whispering “Do you know her Daddy?” with a small disturbed tone stopping me from walking to say something about that woman.

The memories of my wife looking at me funny as I spoke to a woman that wanted some information in a store or maybe a Cashier was a little to friendly with a “Hi There” … came up in our conversations at night when things were quiet as we got ready for bed. It would start off with a low soft question, but serious as she could make it, under that small voice of hers. “What were you thinking at the time speaking to that woman” then adding “Do you know being friendly makes me feel uncomfortable and I suppose you do know why?”

It made me sit back on the bed thinking of the woman that I came across while I was with my wife somewhere in an instant. I would get into this panic mode going. Knowing I had better remember what she was talking about when she brought up her questions. And even then…what was said to her by me at the time. But out came that smile in a flash because she could feel I was letting her down somehow.. she would tell me “Honey, that’s Exactly how you captured my heart! Its by you being so openly friendly. We as Americans don’t have the luxury of having more then one wife. Your stuck with me Buster, I am not letting you go. Do you understand this?” That large smile was flashing her white teeth she took so long in brushing each day was out making me feel a warmth. We would hug and land on the bed wrapped into each others arms giggling like little kids kissing while I rubbed her belly which had my little girl in there growing.

Being a man, I did have that character of forgetting things, what dreadful feeling I had knowing I had done just that. I just could not remember to save my life. I tried to blame it with days passed by, with me working involving myself all in it, I didn’t really think of any dates. But when it was some particular day that had passed by.. ~I know I had done it again.~ Forgotten something … with the quiet feelings in the air… stepping out of the shower. The bed made, room vacuumed and breakfast cooked and my coffee on the table while small whirls of steam rose up. My wife was reading some labels being very quiet with no radio or TV on to break the quiet kitchen.. I knew!  Yes I admit, I would forget That important date that came up and I was going to be sleeping on the couch for not remembering! However.. My wife on the other hand.. with one eye on me and her other on the way she was brushing her hair in the mirror we had by the kitchen door and a look of distaste said it all. Thinking fast my words came out like some crazed man “Whats up now?” What a question to come out of my mouth! I couldn’t believe I was lost for words or anything more witty to speak to her. There was no better question to ask her or admit in forgetting a date. But it certainly did plenty to feed her mind of things to use to answer back in long paragraphs making her words go in my ear coming out the other like a water spout fully opened up spilling on the ground. My breakfast just looked good but I couldn’t eat it. Now, If anything… I would be retaining in my mind thinking. “Is my little girl going to be this when she grows up? I am dreading her boyfriend or future husband trying to get out of a mess like I am in now”

I never knew that my wife was a little bit over protective of the man she did not want to lose out of her life for any reason. Being a couple and new… I had a lot to learn!

After that kind of lecture it was going to any place… I was supposed to mention this to any female or .. try to let her see this massive ring on my left hand.. telling her I was ~So Married!~  I felt that somewhere along the line of being married I just never got those Memo’s in our vows when we got married or I had overlooked that part. I figured what the heck.. Women see me kissing her or hugging her would be enough to say something with no words mentioned or proving we were married.

In the back of my mind while on her lectures of how women do things, my mind wandered off somewhere literally. My mind felt as if I had two people in there speaking at the same time. There was one voice. That little mean voice in my head telling me.. “No other man does this.. so why do you have to write down little notes” The other voice was a toned loving one telling me “Its her love for you that is speaking. Let her tell you things that are important to her. Just write a small note to her with an “I love you & I am watching you” Then thinking “Good Lord that’s Creepy” Then as she finished up on ‘What to do with any females I speak with’ I was to keep in mind she was the speaker of the house till she got out what she had to say … I was just a king that had the throne in the bathroom and that’s all.

Then all at once… her voice came to me in a loud ‘POP’ on top of my head asking me “You still in there?” I would snap out of my trance looking at her face to face looking into my eyes. I would smile and hug her as she squealed out that I was going to make her stop thinking what she had said to me.. but I think it was just the attention from me she needed at the time.

All those memories came back instantly! My little ones hair in my face as we hugged with our own thoughts somewhere. My little girls would position me in a way that made her comfortable and me just having to deal with how I lay. If I didn’t conform to what she thought was right, out came some lecture that she was soft as cotton, me feeling like rocks from the road she steps on getting to the house. What Stern Memories that came out.

It has been some time since it has been a serious thought to how life has been raising my little girl by myself. It is a job that I would never trade off or let it set me down in anger when she does things wrong or breaks something that gets my attention really quick. It is the learning thing of seeing a person coming to an age where it is really clear on what goes on in her head with her own opinions. My hope as she comes to me with her things that are so important and are exactly as my wife would do to me. Her swinging side to side as she bites her lip and musters her strength from deep down with a sigh and an inhale of air to get me to understand that she was always having a way to look at things.
Oh yes, the thinking part of my life has me understanding I will have a full fledge adult living with me in a few short years. I am thinking I had better take more pictures and have her stay little in some videos of her when she was right down happy with what she has and not for what she wants now. What a change in my life having to think not for myself now. But, to think of what to do when I start to get demands for whatever my little one is starting to see with her bright eyes and thinking ‘Female’ mind. With a laugh, I know, I will be one of those dads that will give in telling her she can have half of what she wants. Her thinking will be use the half to make one whole thing to get.
What a Thinker I am going to be.

With a hot coffee in my hand, I am hungry and want to go eat somewhere then come back to finish my work. I wonder where to go do this fast.

My mind goes back into time as my mind see’s my little girl growing up so fast. There supposed to be times in my older age when I am supposed to think of these things. However, it is me…  in some wide awake trance while thinking about what to eat. Remembering back of those days how my little baby was always depending on me for everything when she was just a baby crapping 5 to 8 times a day and sometimes it was more then that. I felt cold shivers from all those days come to me. The more memorable times I try to forget are the times waking up from sleeping hearing her cry and me jumping up to go see whats could be wrong. Then slapping myself each time leaning over to kiss her with eyes closed then that ‘Gagging’ sensation coming into my nose as it tried to stop me from breathing a smelly diaper to be changed. My face would pucker up wondering “Can she hold out a little longer? It was going to be daylight in a couple hours.” Then it was her looking at me smiling. that got me! She couldn’t speak at all but she sure could kick her legs and flap her arms like she was going to fly away from the smell herself. I would laugh at her and she would smile with her knowing I was laughing with her in this moment. I would give in and get all the things to change her. She would be smiling as she smelled like a Powdered Vanilla box. How women dealt with that ‘Smell’ over and over ‘with more then one baby’ is way beyond my Comprehension & Belief to me! I have this one little girl and it nearly had me losing it wondering how so much of this my nose could take.

Now, I see her attitude of growing up “I can do this Daddy! you are doing it wrong” I stop trying to help her, I just back up, listening to her tell me how she wants things done. Her clothing, her hair, her shoes, her friends and what she likes in her bedroom. Which now is ‘Off Limits’ to me … unless I knock on the door. I have walked in on her half dressed in her shorts and topless. Then hearing a scream at me for doing that. In her really loud voice “Daddy!!, what are you doing? Your supposed to Knock Like People do on TV!” My reaction is backing up closing the door to this 7 year old’s bedroom ‘knocking’ so ~I~ can come in. I do that, there she is, still in the same position. No shirt on and her clothes are being folded on the bed in a way that would have me thinking she is getting ready for me to take them to the laundry room and wash them all in separate piles. Yes sir, Thats My Wife when she was little. I can tell.

After a few seconds comes that question if she wants to go eat. She smiles running to her closet. She starts that dreaded walking back and forth that drives me up a wall because she cant make up her mind. I know what she is thinking even before her words come to me asking. All the while she is pulling out a bit of clothing hanging up with her little fingers look at little details of the way it is made or what color it is. In the same moment she is looking at all her shoes on one side. Then looking back at her clothes she has in her fingers. “Is it still hot out there Daddy, you know that different colors are cooler then others. Thats why You Always Tell me its hot and feel sticky. You have to know what colors to wear to work.” I cant believe she is my daughter telling me these things she learned somewhere.. Certainly not from me! I realize there are so many clothes hanging in there … All For Her. Her choices in what to wear… make me feel like wanting to trade her in for a small boy that just has to wear one pair of  jeans and a t-shirt to be happy. I am Not saying anything that will have her start telling me we need to shop for more clothes for her to wear. I am quiet while she talks to herself deciding.

My trance comes back as I imagine my wife telling me these things. She was ‘The Same Exact way’ getting dressed. Where has time gone? Is my wife still looking at me or repaying me for the times I took in getting dressed looking like some crazy person with no match at all in what I wear? Since I knew, all we were doing, was just going to be eating somewhere. Then coming home to see her take out of the fridge her Special Desert when she was pregnant with our baby and me getting none of it. I never understood why she would never eat enough to get filled at the restaurant! Heck, I didnt care, I was hungry and asked for what I wanted from the waitress. Eating away i would look up at my wife staring at me whispering “God are you really that hungry?” With a mouthful I would answer “Yes, I am starving” … Then for that split second.. I got ~That Look~ Knowing I am supposed to read her mind.. telling me she could cook if I was still hungry back at the house.  Oh Man!

Walking downstairs, I am listening to my little girl chattering on telling me that her belly is a bit loose since she ate cookies that she had hidden in her sock drawer. My mind Flashes… ‘My mental note tells me to search her room when she is visiting her friends home.’

So glad that we are finally walking out of her bedroom going to eat I calm down. Then from out of Nowhere she tells me Daddy, we are going to be late” I refrain wanting to say something about this, but hold back. If there is a mention of us being late just to go eat. The argument there.. will be why it took me ‘So Long to tell her’ we were going out or ‘why I didnt ask  her sooner.’ Forget that noise! I keep my mouth shut and continue out the door.

Getting to the door she turns telling me she wishes that I could just speak to the people in the school cafeteria that she needs some better drinks besides milk exactly like my wife would be telling me. I stop her turn her around and look at my little girls face. She just looks curious tilting her head. I cant say anything. Kneeling down I place my arms around her. I hug her tightly as she returns that hug back to me. “Come on Daddy, they are going to run out of food if we are late.”

‘Time has flown by with wings’ .. I stare at her and she looks at me smiling. “Daddy is mommy with you now?”

I still can’t believe… I have this little girl … that makes me live for each day.

There are times where I walk around my house going to the bedroom after cleaning it up. Sliding down to close my eyes remembering the things my wife would say about a house.  Every weekend early in the morning she woke up sitting in bed saying “Hi Honey” and wink at me. Jumping out of bed she told me “hurry up lets go house hunting before it gets colder.” I was warm in bed not thinking of any house but wanting to snuggle smelling her soaps she used to carefully shower, it smelled wonderful and I smelled like that laundry soap Tide from the PJ’s I wear to bed. She would run off to the kitchen make coffee and be yelling “Honey get up.” It was always a slow process getting dressed. Knowing what was to happen when we headed out the door. With a newspaper in hand we drove to a lot of places with her telling me at different times “Dont stop here it doesn’t look good and it makes me feel strange driving here! Keep Going” It was keep going looking at homes after her statements. I felt nothing… even from homes that were a little off the beaten path. But nothing, no feeling , or some kind of Jolt would hit me with any feelings. Just figuring it was a Woman Thing.  Walking around in the homes we would stop inside the door entrance and stare inside at what was there or what was added to change the decor of a house from someones mind. It was listening to her likes in whispers to herself sounding like mumbling noises and seeing those eyes and face making dislike frowning… even before stepping in I heard that word ‘No!’ We would back out surprising the Sales Lady. After going in a lot of  homes she was always giving a Smile telling me our home had to be somewhere. So I kept it up in looking so long as she was happy making me smile hugging her in each home to see if some feeling hit us at that moment. I was however the one following being told to “shhhh, I am trying to get a feeling here and your love is stopping that!” like a good little servant with a notebook & pen in hand for writing I was quiet looking at her like some kind of woman with a strong ESP. I looked at her for what she wanted or didn’t want. And I took notes that came out of her mouth each time.

It was like that in all our weekends for months. She would be explaining all the homes looked the same one home after another and some were a bit different but Our House had to really grab her. But she wouldn’t take that as a point to stop looking at all. She would smile and tell me “Honey..The important things are liking certain things that will look good when filled up inside OUR HOME!” After that the notebook was pretty much 3/4 of the way filled with what a house should look like and be. My notebook was one of those that was really thick having separate areas for different studies, except mine, it was all her words about a Home for us. I swear I wanted to take this notebook turning it into a book about “Likes & Dislikes for a Woman in Homes.”

There were certain times that I felt it I was so sure was The Home with her smiling so big. She would go in a home smelling the freshly painted rooms. The builder would be all smiles thinking he was going to make a sale with his soft words of what he put into the house. My wife would look at the house as if it had something wrong. Stating “It would not fit into what  we are going to live in.” It surprised me. Driving off She said “I can feel for a life in a home that is to be ours in a certain way.” I felt nothing in any part of a house to settle in. I figured it was going to make us happy just moving into a brand new home period! However, her determination was proving her point to me. She knew what we were looking for and how large a house is needed to start a family. Her answer to the sales rep’s were the same.. “Nope Its not what we need to build a future here. Thank you”  we headed out the door. Outside She would look at me and hug me.. “Honey just think we have to be able to have something that will last for us” It made me smile and gave me the determination also to look more at different homes with some kind of feeling.

After looking with that word ‘No’ constantly…the builder’s were not happy at all with her words telling them” it just isn’t what we need.” We would always discuss with each other things about what to feel for and it made me feel strange like the house was going to whisper at me.. “Pssst.. Hey Buy me, this is for your Family!” So I whistled a lot not wanting to hear anything let alone feel something.

At the start of each search in a home with blank walls. My clowning with her was not what she liked either. But she did listen and take it apart even though I was just trying my best saying “Honey…  it would be fine if we stayed in a houseboat fishing when we are hungry. We can teach our little one to swim and never worry about a car or people trying to interfere with how we live” I got ~That Look~ saying things like that. I thought it was ideal but Nope .. it wasn’t in her style to do things like that. She wanted a home that would be forever be passed down to grand-kids or their kids. My wife kept telling me “We have to give life to each room also in the home we purchase.. to be happy in it.”  We did this in the place we lived in and I was happy there but she was on this New home since we had a little one growing. Looking for a house made her happy and giving me smiles when we finished by going home. I think I will never understand her buying because guessing … I am a man.. not a woman.

Every day now, I do put things away, in this new home. However, I search high and low for things that were put away by me which drives me crazy and even though our house is super clean those items I need are lost. Now and then its my little one always finding something needed days back hearing her telling me “Is this it daddy?”

The old house I should have kept but as she told me. “Keep that note book of what we need and you will be happy.” Never in my life did I think it would be possible for me to find what she told me in buying a house. Having her in my thoughts and her picture stuck on my Visor I drove north just right out of Austin, Texas. Feeling hungry I turned into a place to eat with my little one. Noticing that small sign by the road ‘Perry Homes for sale.’ My car felt like it had a mind of its own. My little one didn’t say anything…  till she saw something and told me “Stop Daddy Stop!!”. She found a home just like I knew my wife would want us to have. My little one running around room to room yelling at me with excited signs and her eyes twinkling “This is it daddy, we just have to paint a few walls different colors to make it super!” Just like my wife would have said and wanting things to look like. Those words came out of my little ones mouth really surprising the heck out of me!

I still have that small note book. Worn around the edges and a little of the color gone from where I hold it. But its wrapped up in a bright red ribbon holding all her advice and dislikes on what rooms should look like. It stays in the bottom drawer close by the bed. So when the urge to do something in the house comes to me. It gives me a direction reading it hearing her words and smiling “Honey can we paint the bedroom a different color in the winter, lets give it that warm look.” I hug the book and sleep knowing it will be painted.

There are still times when we do go to a place feeling so serene. In those moments nothing mattered at all when that happened. It has been like that for a while now. Especially when we go to Zilker Park in Austin, Texas. I sit and think of how long its to take to read a book while my little one gets our food ready to snack on and I close my eyes.

During that time laying there its like being Rip Van Winkle or his brother except it is the now not as way back then. Laying there dozing off holding my book. I slowly start to remember the way my wife laid there with me laying sideways holding her huge tummy telling me of the things we were going to do with travels and how to raise out baby. The day dream takes me along in those times being so happy and me promising the world while I worked hard doing just that for her. We lay there together with our laughs. Then it would slowly turn into things like speaking of our hopes to come our way. Those treats we would have doing fun things with our baby. It was a good time for laughing as I would tell her of maybe we would have to trade jobs so we both could raise her. She would smile and tell me that my job was when she was grown. I would be the father that was like her own to tell her Yes or No about things that she either needed advice or what time she was to get home after a date and not be harsh on her if she came home late. My smiles would come out never stopping as she whispered into my ears her soft words of thanking me for being a good husband feeling her lips brush my face. This was happening so clearly formed right there in front of me. I dared not open my eyes as sounds around me were not in my ears. Seeing her smile while watching her gesture with her hands in the air describing things that she was always noticing about people. Voicing how we as people treated so many of them unjustly and no kindness. She was a Pacifist. However, she would raise her voice to defend people with words and no violence. Then make friends of the people who were about to fight. I was happy she was like this since we never argued nor did I ever raise my voice to her for knowing what she was about to say would make me sad in doing crazy things like that and it was that way in school where we met. She was speaking to her friends and I was playing pool acting up and misbehaving as she told me. Not knowing what to say.. I blurted out “If you weren’t so Beautiful I would marry you” Her answer blew me away. She said “I accept you and hold you to your words.. Love me as I am and you will have a wife that will love you till I die.” We dated and married after school with me thinking something like this only happened in fairy tales. Each time we met to go do things. It was seeing her cheer people up making them feel better or try to help out in ways that I knew I could never do would make me so proud of her. She was kind to everyone with words getting their attention. Especially soothing any anger if you had that in you wanting to come out. Her being like that was a life saver to me a few times.. Although it felt like she was my Guardian Angel that made me look sheepishly and foolish for trying something I shouldn’t have. Her ultra light blonde hair blowing in the breeze with a fragrance laying there was something that I would never tire of. She looked at me smiling and asked where her hug was at.

Time passed by so quickly as I suddenly tried to wrap my arms around her. But only to be awoken feeling small hands telling me; “Daddy I can Hug you.. the sky is to big for you to do that” My eyes would open and my mind would come out of that trance. I wanted to stay with my wife and she was gone again.

I relaxed with my little one hugging me and telling me “Its a dream like I get some times isn’t it.. huh daddy?” My answer.. “It was Mommy visiting me with Smiles and stories to tell you at night when you feel sad.” We hugged letting her feel my chest with her little hand as she knew mommy was in there .. in my Heart Beats. The sun going down.. we left walking slowly back to the car with my head turning to try to smell that fragrance if but once more of her hair.

There is always a thought in my head as to what or how I am perceived by my little one trying  to act like both mom and Dad trying  instill discipline in her life with mistakes. She always wonders how I come up with what I tell her at times & My own questioning as to how to do this or that with her. But I am learning to do just that slowly but surely. Since now she talks back with her own questions on why I do this or that. Yep, She’s growing up and I need her to stay little if at all possible for as long as I can.

While time passes on each day. I am starting to get a Take on things happening to my little one. With how people speak to her and say things that really used to coast by my thoughts with no worries. Yet now, I have to think how this affects my little one with feelings that are like my wife would have treated her in those situations. My wonders feel funny on those factors. So what do I do…?.. Advice and explaining this to you.

The asking for advice from people. Not sure I am going to do this anymore. But…  So, Its like I have a Plague when ask some simple advice on How to React to my little one when she is sad or something touches her and making her feel lousy by some persons words to her that she tries to look up to. Now asking for a simple answer on dealing with this Makes Me Feel I have asked a Gold Question thats valued and no one wants to part with it. They can’t or wont answer and are confused also why I can’t deal with ~That~ myself. Well… Duhh..  ”Its only me the single Dad and the mirror” All I ask for at least some sort of friendly answer”. But to those I ask these questions its like “Whoa buddy, back it up. I love reading your words, cant help you, because my Plate is full” So after that…  its like not hearing from them anymore. so I step forward trying to Just Do as I can with that touch of love my little one needs. ‘Right or Wrong’ … Then letting go of Those that that think its going easy for me.. which isn’t.

My words that I remember to do for my little one is Never letting her hear me talk in any kind of Negative manner or Whisper out-loud I hate something about things. Just saying I don’t like this about things at hand.. nothing more then that. She does hear from me when I speak of her having only two feet with so many shoes in her closet. Even if i whisper that out loud to ME.. Then it strikes something inside of her as a Female with those two feet she has. Good Lord, you would think the world is ending,  if she can’t match clothes with her shoes. I can say thats All female stuff.

Now some of the things I do for her with not making her seem ~Spoiled~ does make her shine…even if they are bad. The need for her to understand I work to keep her happy has not gotten into that head of hers. That needs to happen soon enough if not tomorrow. But everything has to be positive towards her to make her strong and convince people that she is a leader. Nor some Loony woman that has to spend to make herself happy. **Don’t need her to tell me she has to live in the poor house cause her feet need to look pretty. ** But for her to be more efficient with money is a promise that has to be kept also and I Am Trying.

Then the frightening thing now that she has witnessed about people and events with her asking me “Why daddy?” Back to me wondering how to be positive so she gets over it. I breathe in and out explaining  ”Those are Small Thing in life and it will always get better as the sun sets and rises just for you because its Your world to build and you can change it.”  The tears leave after explaining then its hugs and asking to never leave me like Mommy. I don’t answer her back on that question as it will start something I really don’t like to get into death with her at such a young age.

We do keep Wishes that she started to do for other little kids that need things. She does the Wish upon A Star for a child every day in our prayers. Something that amazes by her saying things like that makes my heart beat hard with a pride. I have never told her to say things like that. But I need to let myself  believe that it was my wife thats in her to be as sharing and thinking like she does.

We have so many things to learn together from what we hear to then try sorting out what is true to learn what works for the both of us. Not just one to do to the other. Its Mom part when we both know teaching her to cook and become able to do for herself is really important when she grows up into this wonderful woman she tells me she is going to be. She loves to cook and try new things that we speak of or want to try. Nothing again like the Burnt Peanut Butter in the pan or really running off leaving Jelly in the pan cooking.  So in that, I know there are going to be Paths taken where I just have to support her in her decisions to try cooking what she wants.

This after part where it scares me at times where She Has Finally learned to be clean! She is able to find things she wants! She is always sweeping, cleaning under her bed, dusting and then gathering her clothes.. from in the closet and making me show her how to operate the washer for her clothes. That Washing machine thing.. that does have me kind of nervous. I might have Tie-dyed clothes to wear, so its nothing in doing that for her. she is happy doing those things… till she walks into my room. She gets all crazy from what she see’s in my own room and thats when I don’t pick up my clothes off the floor and put them into the hamper like she does. She reminds me to do things that I do forget or just don’t do. So its back to explaining what has been done and then just say I will get to it. She leaves me alone but actually checks if she is bored and walking around the house to and that gets back into her mind. Thats as far as things go though as she grows up all woman. For me out of this.. the hope that she will be able to be a MOM and care for her own kids like i have taught her. Thats what my dream is for her with love..

To her  …  A Future Mom.

The weekend was great waking up bright and early going for a run then looking at a sun that was going to be sending us to the Pool with the heat. We were doing things that my little wanted to do this Saturday. Since she said it has to be a day where we can celebrate the day before ‘Mothers Day’ cause we had to prove to mommy that we are having fun down here as she looked at us from Heaven. We went swimming all day long and given some breaks in between that I needed because we really looked like wrinkled up Prunes. This day was fun for my little girl that laughed so much with my antics of being her partner to let go and be ‘US’ together as child and father .. our own Family.

For the past 3 weeks were me doing things alone. It wasn’t cause I didn’t want to be with my little one. It was an idea to make sure my little one wasn’t about to forget given the way some people spoke to her about her mommy. This idea was to make an Album filled with pictures that were kept hidden from everyone even to my little one.. It was the kind of pictures that I would look at in the bed and let go with my emotions hating with the Why she had been taken from me. These pictures if shown would let people in seeing my heart as it broke open if they saw them. These pictures I swear made ‘a light’ shine right through my heart. My heart always Thumping loudly as if she was touching me.

When things had settled down after Church in the morning it was to go to a place we both liked …Eating at ‘Juan”s for a delicious Mexican meal. As we ate.. my little one said “We really should go lay the flowers on ‘Mommy’s grave’ cause we aren’t supposed to forget her out of things daddy.” After that we left out of there feeling good and her holding my hand because it was the right thing to do when you loved ‘Daddy’s’.

Driving to the cemetery she was quiet and looking at cars with family’s that were looking happy. She would comment on what she saw in those cars. Then it was one which kind of took me. “Daddy, we are as happy as those people in the cars… aren’t we?” “Yes honey, we are even better since we share what we have with those that have less that need more. Making them laugh and smile just as Mommy would have liked us to be!” My little one looked at me and smiled really wide reaching over to touch my shoulder and letting go to sit back like she agreed with my words to share with others if they ever asked that to her. Reaching the cemetery an hour later it was hot .. but it was windy giving us at least some kind of cooling not much but some. To my surprise she then let go of my hand telling me that she had to speak to mommy by herself. She took the flowers I was carrying and went to where my wife was buried then got down kneeling. She started to speak then stopped to look at me. She waved me to step back not wanting me to hear her talk. I turned around walking away but snuck a peak and saw her reach out to touch the headstone then sat back on her heals and began to let go her private words. I walked to where my Mom & Dad were laid to rest and spoke to them telling them what a great Granddaughter my wife and me had and in her was a part of them. I was proud seeing her grow up learning what she did.. knowing the little things people would never know … or even attempt to listen to words spoken in truth out of a child’s mouth. It was my own little one doing that. I smiled for a few minutes staring at the ground as if my parents could see me.

Standing there, I felt a fast tug which made me jump, thinking someone grabbed me from somewhere else not my little one doing that to me. My little one told me that it was My Turn to go speak to mommy. I bent over and told her I loved her. She told me “Daddy… save some of that for Mommy, I think she is lonely without us.” I stood up in a surprise and she pushed me to the grave and she stood where my parents were at. She turned around looking at my parents headstone. guess she wanted to speak to them to.

Standing before the headstone of my wife..  memories filled my mind of things that we did came back in rushes like waves when she was alive. My tears started to drop one after another nonstop. The smiles and especially the time I scared her silly on Halloween came to mind… I had put a rubber snake in the tree then pulling it from the roof where I had laid in wait for her. Then seeing my wife walk up. I pulled on that thread, tied to the snake, I made it come towards her out of the tree and she ran into the yard calling 911 for help. My sides hurting till the police arrived and it wasn’t funny anymore. But we laughed after when we were in bed explaining why the scare was to provoke her belief in Candy treats for kids and the scare was a part of all that. We laughed.. that was a few days before seeing her standing in the driveway with a smile on her face looking so excited waiting for me to get home then running up to the car telling me the big news… “We are Pregnant..Yayyyy!”

Then opening my eyes, I stared down to the headstone, my wife was there close to me but gone. She couldn’t tell me what my little one had told her.. guess that was not for me to ever hear. That feeling when my heart pounded as it did when seeing her when I came home running to each other to explain the days.. was right there standing alone wishing she was with me now. It made me go back in my memory … when I would lay on the couch touching her belly and whispering to my little one. It made my wife cry knowing I was going to love her as much as I loved her. I wished her a Happy Mothers day out loud.. telling her I missed her so much. I told her if possible, give me a message, a sign, something telling me I was doing the right thing with my little one each day. My Memory’s kept coming and going.

My little one standing there told me “Lets tell Mommy together daddy that we love her.” It was at the same time our words came out and the breeze came up and we hugged till the wind slowed down a few seconds. I told my little one.. “That was mommy blowing us a Kiss with the wind.” my little one closed her eyes and blew a kiss up into the air “Mommy catch it please!”

We left for home sitting and listening to the sounds of the winds our car made passing cars.  When I tried to play the radio my little one told me she really didn’t want to hear any song till we got home. Not wanting to argue we drove home with her looking at cows in the pastures and the trees then nodding off to sleep herself. The ride was long but cool with the AC tuned in just right.

At home waking her up.. she yawned and ran to the door when grabbed my keys opening up the door going to her bedroom bath. I watered the flowers in the front that we had planted last summer and they were blooming so pretty now. Something my wife had told me to always do.. raise pretty flowers so our little one could vision beauty. I wondered if she knew now our little one had a beauty all by herself resembling Mommy.

Inside I could hear my little one singing out loud trying to get that voice sound like her favorite singer. Thinking that in the future I was going to either get Plugs for my ears or she was going to be getting better at singing. I went and got the Album of pictures making sure it was something that she could keep forever or … give to her own kids explaining just who this woman in all the pictures was  holding her as a baby along with pictures of seeing her laughing at things daddy had done to make her feel good. .. The memories were always good for me… I called her down telling her the food was going to be done in a few or if it was possible that she could help me cook. She ran downstairs to help me since she knew we were going to cook some Thai Chicken & Noodles. She going to do all the sampling of the flavors as I stirred each item in while cooking. Till it was all put together for the meal. She always got the first plate of the food since she said “I’m the special one daddy, I have to be first!” She took her plate and before setting our drinks down .. she was eating away … like some Starving child! She laughed at me as I looked at her with my hands on my waist then shaking a finger at her. We ate and then she said she wanted to go swimming again. I told her that we had to sit down together and let me show her something that was Special. She looked kind of surprised then with a gleam she said.. “You found some New Ice Cream didn’t you daddy?!” When my word .. “NO” .. came out.. that smile left her really fast! I told her it was just something that she needed to see so we don’t lose touch of things as she grows up and maybe it would help her. She shrugged her shoulders frowning as if it was going to be some boring lecture I was about to give like her teacher.

I closed the drapes as she sat on the couch looking at me doing things. The music came on to some Jazz just like my wife liked to hear.. then right before sitting down, I brought out the Album wrapped  for her to see with a three bright ribbons.. White, Maroon & a Dark Teal. She smiled telling me she wanted a New Book to read. I told her “This is one book you will read over and over again while growing up… I promise you that!” Giving it to her she took it and ripped it open to look at it with wide eyes! Me thinking she was going to save the wrapping paper I had carefully chosen with the ribbons and ties. Nope.. it was trashed right off the bat into the little trash can in the living room in one big ball. No words out of her mouth like “Its pretty daddy”.. Nope there was Nothing at all because of her eagerness!

As she opened the album.. her questions of who and why it was a gift in question after question to me… suddenly stopped. She saw her Mommy with me laughing in some park and me holding her belly because she was pregnant. Underneath the first Picture were the words “Never forget me” Each and every picture brought out things to tell my little one. There were so many things that came out of her in questions I couldn’t answer or what to say to those kinds of things she was curious about. The answers that I did give her were long since she wouldn’t turn the page only to rub the pictures with her little hands over her mommy’s face. I wasn’t sure she was going to be doing any of  the things she was finding out to remember it all. But I already was  knew these things would have to be repeated over and over till she had it in her own memory of each little thing about these pictures showed about her mommy growing up. Then the part of explaining why I never showed her, that was something I couldn’t exactly explain to a child, so it was agreed when she grew up things would be much clearer for her and she would understand. We sat there starting to explain the pictures close to 1PM that day.. then after the last page of looking at the pictures it was close to 10 PM. We had sat there for 9 hours crying, laughing, hugging and telling each other what we saw or what we thought we saw in mommy in those pictures in there.

Finishing up I told her “Its time little girl … for that sleep that will take you to dream land … there you can tell mommy about your new book.” She laughed really loud then telling me “I love it daddy! Mommy will love it when I dream of her. I can explain lots of the pictures.” Then as she went running off upstairs but half way she stopped suddenly looking at me.. she said “Daddy… Lets never lose touch with mommy, please.” I replied “Not in my life time.”

This part of my life is a painful one to put down with some of my family telling me it will help me resolve things and finally lose the hate towards the person that took my wife from me. Not sure, but at least seeing my words, maybe it will bring back more memories of my Wife to me so I can smile with so much Love for her.

Let me take you back a few years, back to where life was just another day after work and the things that needed to be done around the house and for me to cut the yard after work. My wife telling me to hurry up and get off the computer that my work had to end when I got home. She was rushing around trying this and that never really liking anything she had and complaining that she needed more clothes to wear. I laughed telling her to wear my clothes and her growling with a laugh. The Tuesday night was warm and being with the little one was going to be easy cause all there was to do was give her a bottle to quieten her down if she cried and let her sleep. How Easy was this to take care of my little one? My wife was always complaining our little girl was always moving around never stopping to sleep cause she was just like me. Right now, If I listen hard enough, I can close my eyes and hear my wifes words to me trying to be Stern while I laugh. “Pick her up and rock her in the chair like I always do. Do you understand me and quit Laughing!” I would look at my little one sleeping there in her bed nodding my head…  ’U HUH, Yeah like I’m going to wake and rock her if she makes a noise. And after the nod My wife said she was going to be back after her friends Tupperware Party was over. She told me she would Probably find me sleeping on the couch with that Walkie talkie thing close to my head. But, it wasn’t to be that way at all. Time flew by watching TV and I fell asleep on the couch till there on the TV was a loud Knocking. My brain knocking back and forth as I heard the banging louder realizing its at the front door Not on the TV. It was the Police with my sister at the door banging away as I went and opened the door. My sister looking at me and then bursting into tears hugging me as I opened the door looking at her and me thinking I had to bail my wife out of jail with this policeman standing there for doing something crazy. Then slow motion happened. The policeman in a slow slur of words telling me that I needed to go to the hospital to see my wife. The words making me feel nauseous but not knowing why that was.

Getting to the hospital to see my wife made me feel Strange. Thinking my wife is hurt and someone hurt her putting her in there. A hatred of Why would anyone want to hurt her like this was there trying to come out of me. My wife was always the first person to help out in any situation and give even if it cost her her own loss of things. Getting to a special room in the Emergency room, there she was, all hooked up and me standing there like a real Knot on a Log telling her I loved her and asking what happened in the same sentence. She kept telling me what to do with my little one and promises that I had to keep with one eye closed. My words couldn’t form anything at all. I kept kissing her lips and her wincing from pain. I wanted to take her home to make her feel better.. I could do this.. I knew I could make her get herself up. I could bathe her and clean up all the hurting spots. But She kept calling my name over and over. ‘Promise me and write it down’ was what I heard over and over from my wife as to what she wanted me to do or teach our little one. I brought our little daughter close to her thinking it would make her stronger to get up and go home with me. In a half sentence while speaking to me my wife closed her eyes. My heart was beating so hard with people pushing me aside trying to get her to open her eyes and all that I heard clearly was the doctor telling the nurse to get me out of the room.

In the Waiting room I couldn’t hear people saying things to me, I wasn’t listening to any of them. I was promising God so many changes if he would just make her well enough to go home. There wasn’t anything at all I wouldn’t do just as long as she was around with me. Inside me I was feeling a fire that was hot and I couldn’t Cool off. I never in my Life wanted this kind of pain that would not go away.. especially not this way with my wife. I couldn’t accept the fact my wife was hurt. She couldn’t be. She’s coming home after they fix her up. She had to help me take care of our little girl!  I started getting Angry with myself  because me and my wife used to watch TV about seeing people raising kids because they lost their partner and in unison saying “Not Us!” Then its stepping into the thing we spoke of and now the possibility it was me that could be doing this might be happening.  My face was so wet from crying and holding my little one tightly whispering “I love you” and “Mommy will be home with us soon” just wait and see. We will make her better I Promise. Then the doctors hand on my shoulder turning me around giving me the news about my wife. My mind racing thinking of things … like me going home trying to make things clean for my wife to come home so she didn’t have to do that, prepping the food to cook her a great Breakfast and then rubbing her back as I usually had done each day I came home to make her feel better. It all suddenly came to a stop there at that moment. My arms felt fingers around them trying to open them up to get at my little one. Someone wanting to take my little one away from me. Them thinking I was going to do something wrong like maybe drop her from hearing this news. Someone that I can’t remember thinking they knew better. Someone feeling my rage thinking why they thought they knew better. The doctor telling me “They Tried” and then letting my shoulder go walking away. I ran with my little girl in my arms to that room where my wife lay. For the first time I looked around in the room seeing Blood.. her Blood on the sheets, the floor and on her hands then on my own hands. A few people grabbed me and told me “We are so Sorry.” I fell to my knees crying like a little boy holding my little one like a toy no one was going to take from him. There is no memory of how I got home after that happened. At home opening my eyes in my bed… I thought I was waking up to noises downstairs from my wife and me thinking I had such a bad dream and couldn’t wait to tell her all about it. I was smelling something cooking and yes I was going to see my wife in the kitchen cooking it up. I went to my little ones room looking in at her and went downstairs seeing people drinking coffee and my sister eyes swollen from crying and still full of tears. The other people helping out trying to do as much as they could so I wouldn’t have to do a lot in there. Lots of hugging and crying again. I asked everyone to leave and let me feel the quiet for myself. I needed to be left alone.

Those days are still in my brain and heart. With my little one growing up now as a little live human being. That is so Unbelievable to me still and there are times I think how we made this child. Its a Happy times at the house seeing my little one jumping around smiling at me and the way I do things or attempt to do. The want of  my wife to be with us is still strong in me and of course with my little one as well. So to endure my time I take time to do things that make my little one think I am silly. But it does bring her laughter all the time. Each day I think I am feeding her too much and her clothes just don’t fit anymore but its her Growing like she is supposed to do. I am so glad my time passed doing the diapers. Thats something that has me thinking it should be outlawed or be done by Robots that can’t smell like humans do.

The thing of Dealing to make this little ones life as happy as can be with no help or asking anyone if things are being done correctly. Or as my wife had always done and me working all the time. I was never paying attention as to what was supposed to be done handling a small child. I deal with each thing and hope it is the best that I can do for her and no looking back at my decisions. Of course there are sad days when we go to the Graveyard taking flowers looking at her picture on the granite Stone etched with angels reading her words. “I am looking at you from Above.” It is a reminder to my little one that she had a mom that loved her very much and she is never to forget that no matter what. With days passing by now, my little one is growing up looking exactly like her mom, as she looks at me and trying to voice her demands of shopping at her favorite store ‘Wal-Mart’ trying to convince me she needs a lot of things just like her mom. Every once in a while at work I sit there thinking of my wife I get lost in thought. Till my boss see’s me… then smiling telling me “Hurry up quit thinking, get your stuff done!” She knows I am always finished long before it’s time to stop work to go home but it helps with her kind words to wake me up.  My relief  each day after losing my wife, is going in the front door, seeing my little one running to me laughing and screaming “Daddy, daddy’s here!’  Thinking it’s my wife doing that in her. Those hugs are like Gold to me in my heart. Now, its my little one coming to the office after school and we go home together talking and laughing about our days and who has it worse .. me.. or her. We sit at home with her showing me her things she did during the day or what more she has learned when I was at work. She loves to draw flowers just like her mom, however sharing that bit of news will have to wait till she is older so she will take pride in her Art work and I am just an old man still telling her how to do things. Guess thats just being a loving parent no matter how old the children get. We are going to be happy dealing with things right or wrong.. since Thats Life for us as we know it to share.

When I am out and about shopping with my little girl we see lots of things and enjoy each others company. mostly its with me seeing through her eyes lots of things till we run across people that are brainless. There is always a couple of question asked from people. These questions seem like a Hot Steel whip to my heart. I feel them heartless and cruel. Especially if they ask my Little girl. So let me tell you what those questions that we hear the most. Then ask if you would answer anyone asking such Questions. The first 2 are aimed at me.

1st) I bet your little girl misses her mommy. Do you Have sisters so they could raise her so you can go find and get her a Mommy?

2nd) Why don’t you just go out get a woman so your little girl can have someone close and start calling her Mommy so she will forget the one that died.

The questions to my little one.

1st) I bet if you had a mommy you wouldn’t have all those pretty things cause my kids only get what I tell them what they can have so they aren’t spoiled.

2nd) Think your going to have a mommy soon? Try telling your daddy to date someone, so you can get a Mommy. It will make you be happier with another woman in the house cause thats the truth.

After hearing those things it makes us go home to do our small cooking like a Tasty Desert I saw on the Internet and share that with her. It makes her smile really large I want to do that with her. Then as we started in on some things to get started one night. A friend came over from a night out with his girl down on 6th Street in Downtown Austin, Texas with his girl in tow. First thing out of her mouth to my little girl after my friend told her my wife was in an accident “Aww Sweetie it was time for god to take your mommy so your dad could find a newer better mommy for you.” My little one with tears in her eyes came to me and told me she needed to go to bed and she didn’t feel like cooking anymore. I walked her to her bedroom and layed her down after helping her with her PJ’s being quiet. Laying in her bed I told her that the woman was someone that didn’t have kids for saying something like that.  I wiped the tears from her eyes as she kept looking at me with a hurt that can’t be explained. First chance she had she asked me “If God loves me like you say he is supposed to, why did he take mommy from me. I really wanted to know if she loved me.” I bent over to kiss her and didn’t answer. She turned away whimpering in soft sobs but wouldn’t let me turn her to me so I could hug her. Leaving her room and slightly leaving the door open. I heard the front door close then a few seconds it was hearing the car start up and drive away. They had left and I guess he knew why he should leave.

I sat down in the dark downstairs till the sun broke through the blinds shining at me. I don’t pretend to have all the answers to life to give to my little one. But there is no way I will stop trying to give her the chance at seeing there is always some Fun and Love in life that will come to her.